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Sunday, June 13, 2004

06-12-04
It's worth everything but I wish it didn't. Today so far has found me a couple Friday's back but before we get into that how about last night...so hold up while I rewind.
-Last Night
Well I wasn't totally psyched about it to begin with, but I was kind of excited when I got home, I like the feeling of walking home in the streaming afternoon sunlight, to find myself alone, in my humbly small house. I was repainting my nails pink while watching alias, which is getting sort of bleh now but at least it's killing time so very nicely. When I'm watching that I don't have to think...and after a while of watching alias I had my hair appointment. So when we get there I guess my mom knew the girl who was doing the nails there so they were talking. My appointment was at 17h30 and she started at about 17h45 so that's not to bad, Sydney was there too getting her hair done, which looked pretty, I'm just not fond of up do's though. Now major props for Stacey I have very very thick hair and she was blow drying it straight, and I thought she was at least going to smooth it out or something but no. So I was really really mad and I got home in tears and was trying to desperately make myself look presentable in the end you know I didn't win, I don't think I've ever looked worse than last night. But it's not really all that important, I mean the worst part was...his flight was at 19h30 last night...and I really missed him. He told me I couldn't go to the airport, even if I promised sexual favors in return (seriously don't take this wrong way it was a joke! And with our past you can never be too sure I'm just clarifying it) so I was stuck. I did have killer shoes though, or well I liked them, it's only the after-ness that sucks. But I thought of a new list
-My new List
SINDHU'S LIST OF GUYS THAT ARE WICKED IMPORTANT IN HER LIFE AND CLARIFICATION OF WHAT SHE FEELS FOR THEM
Hellzyeah nothing's going to beat that title.
Evan- This is a really confusing one. In the past our has been somewhat of a romantic relationship, and I don't know about you but I very strongly regretted that and I don't want to try that again sometime soon. You are basically everything that keeps me sane, keeping me breathing, making sure I get what I want when I want it. Sure you spoil me, but sweetheart, living without you? That ought to be a sin. It might feel like it, but I promise this is not goodbye, I mean distance can't separate friends like us.
Joe- Yeah we are strictly friends. And we've talked about that again, if it becomes anything more, well I didn't plan on it. You're a really close friend of mine, and that's all I'd like it to be right now.
Todd- Well I don't know what we are. I'll tell you what I am, glad to be talking to you again. I know we said we didn't want to think about it right now, and that was as much my decision as it was yours, so I'm going to respect that and not say anything. Honestly I am confused but time will help
Jan- I'll admit for a time there I did want ours to be a romantic relationship, but that's over now. I like how we're just friends, sure you've won my heart and keep it, you've got a right to it, you are just as much a best friend to me as anyone else on this list. I don't want what we have to change, I really like the way things are right now, wholeheartedly, so screw it up and die. (I couldn't resist)
Jordan- Jordy definitely the hardest one. I don't know. I mean we never really talk anymore, and we're just so different. We're good friends, as far as being friends goes. But damn you're such a good kisser. So I'm not going to pass verdict on this one just yet.
-Today
I feel so so bad. I mean I just woke up feeling bad and as if that helped when I reached for the phone I realized I had no one to bitch to. I mean come on, no one wants to listen to a stupid little girl whine about looking bad last night and her feet being cold. I don't even know why Evan did, but I miss him. I guess I'll have to just wait for his call now...still though I know we said that it wasn't over, but it feels so over. I just...who do I tell? I guess I'll just have to take up writing in here more. That should be just dandy

06-12-04
It's worth everything but I wish it didn't. Today so far has found me a couple Friday's back but before we get into that how about last night...so hold up while I rewind.
-Last Night
Well I wasn't totally psyched about it to begin with, but I was kind of excited when I got home, I like the feeling of walking home in the streaming afternoon sunlight, to find myself alone, in my humbly small house. I was repainting my nails pink while watching alias, which is getting sort of bleh now but at least it's killing time so very nicely. When I'm watching that I don't have to think...and after a while of watching alias I had my hair appointment. So when we get there I guess my mom knew the girl who was doing the nails there so they were talking. My appointment was at 17h30 and she started at about 17h45 so that's not to bad, Sydney was there too getting her hair done, which looked pretty, I'm just not fond of up do's though. Now major props for Stacey I have very very thick hair and she was blow drying it straight, and I thought she was at least going to smooth it out or something but no. So I was really really mad and I got home in tears and was trying to desperately make myself look presentable in the end you know I didn't win, I don't think I've ever looked worse than last night. But it's not really all that important, I mean the worst part was...his flight was at 19h30 last night...and I really missed him. He told me I couldn't go to the airport, even if I promised sexual favors in return (seriously don't take this wrong way it was a joke! And with our past you can never be too sure I'm just clarifying it) so I was stuck. I did have killer shoes though, or well I liked them, it's only the after-ness that sucks. But I thought of a new list
-My new List
SINDHU'S LIST OF GUYS THAT ARE WICKED IMPORTANT IN HER LIFE AND CLARIFICATION OF WHAT SHE FEELS FOR THEM
Hellzyeah nothing's going to beat that title.
Evan- This is a really confusing one. In the past our has been somewhat of a romantic relationship, and I don't know about you but I very strongly regretted that and I don't want to try that again sometime soon. You are basically everything that keeps me sane, keeping me breathing, making sure I get what I want when I want it. Sure you spoil me, but sweetheart, living without you? That ought to be a sin. It might feel like it, but I promise this is not goodbye, I mean distance can't separate friends like us.
Joe- Yeah we are strictly friends. And we've talked about that again, if it becomes anything more, well I didn't plan on it. You're a really close friend of mine, and that's all I'd like it to be right now.
Todd- Well I don't know what we are. I'll tell you what I am, glad to be talking to you again. I know we said we didn't want to think about it right now, and that was as much my decision as it was yours, so I'm going to respect that and not say anything. Honestly I am confused but time will help
Jan- I'll admit for a time there I did want ours to be a romantic relationship, but that's over now. I like how we're just friends, sure you've won my heart and keep it, you've got a right to it, you are just as much a best friend to me as anyone else on this list. I don't want what we have to change, I really like the way things are right now, wholeheartedly, so screw it up and die. (I couldn't resist)
Jordan- Jordy definitely the hardest one. I don't know. I mean we never really talk anymore, and we're just so different. We're good friends, as far as being friends goes. But damn you're such a good kisser. So I'm not going to pass verdict on this one just yet.
-Today
I feel so so bad. I mean I just woke up feeling bad and as if that helped when I reached for the phone I realized I had no one to bitch to. I mean come on, no one wants to listen to a stupid little girl whine about looking bad last night and her feet being cold. I don't even know why Evan did, but I miss him. I guess I'll have to just wait for his call now...still though I know we said that it wasn't over, but it feels so over. I just...who do I tell? I guess I'll just have to take up writing in here more. That should be just dandy

Saturday, June 12, 2004

8/6/04
Look its white! I don't think it's like ever been white...Because I'm racist! Not really but I told Matt I was. You know what? I am so happy happy happy! You know why? Because he is perfect perfect perfect. *hums* yeah this will be great. Just maybe this can make these coming four years worth it. God damn these mood swings, you know within like the fours minutes that took me to write that I feel insecure again. It's so not worth it. This living by the moment crap. If I didn't look back or think about it, it would work just fine, but I usually don't let things go by like that. I dwell on every moment, every word until all I've done is make myself feel worse and that's just magic let me tell you. You know what I'll make a wish list to make me feel better. I wish...
-...the dream I had last night would come true.
That was like the only dream and the sweetest one I had in such a long long time. I didn't even wake up to my alarm (I have a new mark to prove that) It was so sweet. Something happened like before I was at a cutesy wutesy train station or something and Mike like asked me to go somewhere so I said okay. And I remember we walked out and I was like ooh I love Harvard Square! It was "Harvard Square" I guess but it was like a demented version, it was just different. There weren't any street performers for one and it was like far from Abercrombie. Anyways I remember I was wearing a cute little black top with low cut jeans and then I was looking at his watch or something and he took my hand and said something sweet like "Finally you get the picture". So we came to this fork in the road and I said "East or West" and he was being so cute he had his hand draped around my waist and was just being sweet sweet. He said "West, Kylie's having a party in that little house of the corner" and for some reason I totally knew what he was talking about and I was like oh okay if you want to go. So the whole way down there he was just doing everything I wanted him to and being perfect now the strange part. I felt totally secure. The thing is, I don't know Mike. I mean I know who he is, and we've talked like once, but that's it, and...what is this? I'm not even romantically attracted to him, sure he's cute, but that's about it. Anyways there was this little house I don't remember what it looked like, I just remember the door had this list on it of all these dancers and he said something like "Yeah it's a dance studio in the day time she just knows the person who owns it" and he laughed and I laughed too, I got it in the dream but now I don't really. So we went inside and we were being so loud and cute and Kylie was going through with salutations and was just being happy. Then this girl stood up and she was like "That's it you guys are being way too loud! If you want to talk you can leave or you can just go into one of the rooms!" I remember strongly wanting to be out in the night air with him again, but him pulling me into on of the rooms, and he started talking to me and telling me all this stuff, I remember his mouth moving, but I don't remember what he said. And then my mom got me up. I liked it not because it was Mike but because of all the emotions I had. It was that feeling of being secure, which I haven't felt in such a long time, the feeling of knowing someone wants me, it made me so happy even if it was just a dream. It was a dream I didn't doubt it even while it was happening but I kept pretending hoping that I wouldn't wake up.
-...you would just talk to me
Could it really kill you to tell me what's going on? It keeps me up at all hours, it keeps me from doing the work to keep me going. If you'll excuse my cliché, you're driving me crazy. I could take the truth, I just want to know, do you feel the same way I do? Could you ever? Or is it over now. I'm so confused, and so sad. I wish I knew what you were thinking, what am I to you? But I guess all I can do now is wait because obviously you aren't ready to talk about it
-...I knew how to feel about friday
There's that scared, nervous, indifferent feeling again. I mean one side of me is excited. Maybe it will be like before. Maybe we will have the time of our lives. Maybe it will work out and I will have fun while looking dazzling. But if I may I'd like to borrow a line from Scribbler of Dreams "It won't be like before ever again" and that's true. I can't go chasing a before, I have so many after's to make. I am kind of scared though. I really do not want to be disappointed, I want just something to go close enough to right to make me smile. You know what I just thought off (here's my good mood again I'm talking to Todd) No matter what happens that night, nothing really can happen so bad that I'll lose everything. As long as I've still got someone to talk to, and of course I will, I've always got you haven't I?
-...that I could learn to appreciate myself.
I mean a lot of people seem to be convinced that I'm not that bad of a person most people can get a long with, everyone except me.
That's another war my little shoulder angels fight. Those poor things, while I actually don't see them there is such a war raging inside of me. Sometimes I want to go, and sometimes I want to stay I can't decide at all. The part of me that wants to stay is the little part of me that still has hope, and by jove, I wish I didn't. So ahrd I want to try to be me my own person, I want that so bad but how can I if I don't come to terms with myself? Sometime, and someday soon I'm going to have to face it and deal with it, all my compartments will come undone, the laces all untied but that's sometime isn't really now, and so I don't want to worry about it

-...that I could stop worrying about being cliche


I worry about that non stop 24/7 in all that I do, and frankly it's driving me quite insane (er) so today, screw it all, I don't want to care about whether or not I am original enough, I'm me and that should be enough. The keyword there though, is most definitely should. Sometimes it's good to be original like when you're making something new, like writing a new story, but it's not good to have to worry about that all the time right? I mean like when I am doing this I'm just trying to get my thoughts out on paper (or screen in this case haha) but I'm not trying to set precedents or write some award winning novel, when I started writing these it was so I could look back and remember so that I wouldn't forget the good times when life gets bad, so that I'll pay attention and not make the same mistakes again, but now its become a lot more and I don't want that. So here it is, from here on out, this is for me. Not to improve my damned writing skills (hell it suck beyond all reason anyways there's no helping it now), not to show off or showcase my works, it's to help me think and clear my head. And wowza this wish list thing really does work


anyways I'm in school and not taking my social studies civil war test (what in your face? test exempt? yeah I thought so) and so I'm only relying on the little angelcities editor and doing it all the pure html, oh I'm so proud. I've got a lot to do today actually come to think of it. I'm just glad my mothers in a good mood. She said I could skip field day and I really didn't think she was going to. So no getting hit with softballs, or watching people run this year! Mwa hahaha end of th grade is rocking pretty hard. "I need you like water in my lungs"

Monday, June 07, 2004

05.06.04
So the concert last night...oh my goodness I was counting ceiling tiles to keep myself amused (173 per square and there were 7 squares) and then I tried to see how far I could count in French I got up to quatre cent. And that's a pretty cool achievement if I do say so myself! Anyways since Jan is in such suspense I got a new list today

-----------------------------------------------------------------

MOST IMPORTANT PEOPLE IN MY LIFE:


1. Evan Tage- Bar none. Evan is my number one home slice. I am so sad to see you leave sweetheart but if you do not tell me next time we talk I will rip out your heart and eat your children. Oh and I love you soo much (haha here have some extra!) We have so many inside jokes, so many good times, so much fun, but don't worry, this is so not goodbye!
2. Joe Wood- Wow. I don't even remember how we met or anything but you know I love you. You are the best ever and we've had so many good times. What would I do without you?
3. Lindsay Ann Burdsall- Aw my number one girlie. I missed you so much in those months you were sick (hopefully you'll never get sick again) Well chickie we've got our poems (I'm better than you and know it!) Vaughn (I'd tie a knot haha) Toast and so many other things. We'll always be best buds (and I will call someday when I'm supposed to)


4. Todd- Wow Frenchy we've planned our future to such an extent, and I missed you so much, I don't even know why but all of a sudden we just stopped talking. You know how much I care for you. And I will always, I hope our dreams do come true!


5. Jan Roos!- In such suspense to see who else would make the list? Jan you ought to be first! We all know that Jan kicks the most ass around so what more to say? Everyone loves Jan, I'm just another fan.

This list I will probably add to, but before I stop I want to say it was made mostly out of dislike not love. It was made because of all those memories that hurt, and if you'll pardon my emo, I cannot think of them and not want to die. You don't know what you've done to me, but someday you will pay. Excuse every clichés but brace yourselves because there will be more, I am not done with this, I just...I'm watching TAAL! Can you say tasty? haha, thank gosh gives me an excuse to not stare. Kajol is sooo ugly I don't know how I stood her

Saturday, June 05, 2004

04.06.04

It doesn't seem fair that you can just come back into my life and take my sleep. Then again I did get myself into it. Do you know how long its been, how much I've missed you. It seems torture that we're so far away, it haunts me that there's still so much more time. But for something like this, I can wait. Honestly I need to, I still need some time, I'm caught in between and I'm not sure what to pick just yet. And he makes it so hard, he gives me just enough to leave me wanting more


hold on gotta go to the concert tell all about it later

Wednesday, May 26, 2004

22.05.04

That was so funny. Yeah just fucking hilarious, it's some like deranged practical joke. I've talked to him since the gun incident right? I couldn't even remember I almost expect him to be there when I get home, and I don't remember every time we've talked. But yeah I must have talked to him since then, yesterday though he completely blew me off. So not only was I dragged to a surprise party at some schnazzy restaurant, looking like crap because no one told me that there was going to be a party! That doesn't matter though I sat there the whole time, Evan, that darling, completely blew me off! I don't know why I mean Tara wasn't there, and I talked to her like a couple days ago and explained (well a little) about the gun thing and she was totally okay with it, so it wasn't her, we've talked since then!! He didn't really mention it, he didn't seem to care, and I admired that and respected that but what am I supposed to think when he won't even give me the time of day?


So now I feel more so alone than ever as cliché and emo as that sounds that was the only way I could describe last night. I felt so alone, it seemed I was the only one who thought we should have all been sad...this was her day, I mean I put a lot of significance to birthdays and...it felt wrong that instead I was attending a surprise party for my parents broken marriage....


Speaking of, yeah their marriage is dead and gone, I don't know why they just don't get divorced, she's been hospitalized for a suicide attempt once already and now this. So what happened was:

They had a really good day yesterday they stayed up late watching movies and soaking up the positive attitude I kept Sahith out of the way we both went to bed at around 12 (that's when we got back from the restaurant) and he slept pretty soundly (I think, I was out like a light I was dead tired) but today oh my geez. Yeah all morning they were radiating joy but then he made fun of her cooking he asked why it was burnt and she started going on about okra or something that was frozen whatever in the middle he said something along the lines of

"okay okay you don't need to say anymore my god!"

And that's it. They fought, she lost, we sat. She sulked off. And that's where we should've done something. Nope. She tried to OD this time (better than last time I guess) she said she took only two. I gave a lecture and a pep talk to my dad the poor guys this whole year had been filled with loss and disappointment for him, no wonder he works 24/7.

whatever they're at the hospital now sahiths being a doll and Im glad

Im also glad that I've got Joe, he's such a doll, and I love him so

Id say more and more but the house is a mess I better clean if I want my wrist attached when she gets back

Saturday, May 22, 2004

20.05.04

I feel like I never have any time anymore!! Its all his fault I have such mixed feelings about him, I don't think I'm really romantically interested I just I don't know, sometimes I want to talk and sometimes I make up bullshit excuses (are there any other kind!?) Right now I don't really worry about it, I mean I'll find out soon enough and even if I never find out...whatever.


This whole not caring thing sucks so bad. I mean come on, you know there is nothing more I want, there is nothing else I ever think about and I can't just all of sudden say I don't care. Ugh I wish school was like twenty hours long, just so I wouldn't have to sit here and think about this, you know I never really think about it in school, I'm usually pretty busy, (slacking off is an art) my mouth is like never closed its only when I get home and pick up a pen that I start thinking. Holy Moly it would totally kick to be a robot...


This is so repetitive, every single day its the same thing, this is obsession in the bad way, and the way where like you don't even know about it. I mean okay okay I get the picture here's every single day in a nutshell

School
Wow I hate him
Talk on the phone some
Oh my fucking god I hate him
Write
Online some
I hope he dies
TV
Homework/Education related stuff
TV
I hate hate hate hate him
Online
Dinner
TV
Bed
I looove him, ::thinking of all the good days:: wooow I loove him


Ugh my geez, I mean that was a bit exaggerated, I didn't know there was that much TV in my life...well its in like small doses like I've not watched a whole TV show since about last year. I just wander around writing or reading mostly. meh, let me say this again, I need to be shot. How pathetic is this?

Thursday, May 20, 2004

19.05.04

It is so hard not to care. I mean I try and I try but wow what a hard habit to break! So again, I don't care, I don't care, I don't care? Should I type it four times and see if it makes a difference?


I hate when things are over before they begin. I mean what the crap, I didn't even have a chance to decide whether or not I wanted to before she decided it was time to "get things under control" but whatever memories of him don't really appeal to me, I mean I know it would've not worked out or been what I wanted it to be (god damn it! It's like a fucking...curse! (pardon the lack of language) I hate him so much) Anyways there's only so many times I can say that and every single time you know its not going to be true.


I just noticed last time that in her office she has like a chart that's supposed to determine like how suicidal you are. It's based on how many times you think about killing yourself. Like if you think about it once every month or so you're not so bad but still need help and stuff, I just thought it was so funny. I mean of all the people that think about it every single hour, of every single day how many people are actually going to do it? As I was writing the essay yesterday I thought, every single person that does cut themselves, every single person who's attempted suicide or done it, in a way I kind of admire them. I think it takes a lot of courage to want to die, I've never really known how it must of felt but its so...fascinating! Heh, this is probably what an unhealthy obsession is...I'm not obsessed (much) it's just all so interesting I mean what can possibly be so bad that makes you want to not live? My whole life I've had it pretty good, nothing bad has ever happened to me I cry for the most superficial reasons and really not that often, I just want to know what it's like to want to die, I mean how can it be so bad?


I think I should stop doing this, its not helping or anything, and it's nothing at all. I think I should stop writing altogether everything is just disgusting me, how come I never knew it was this bad? I had to edit Cliché last night and minimize Kelcey and god in heaven do they suck it was all I could do to keep from setting flame to my Inspirion...oh and the essays, I hope I die or something they are so god awful I'll have to do them over I doubt they'll get better. Jordan told me to take a break and see but I don't know even all my old stuff it's awful. It's so frustrating I mean come on can't I be good at something, I love to sing so much but hearing my voice (I'm not even like exaggerating here to be modest) it's like nails against a chalkboard except infinitely worse, oh my geez (Yeah I still remember what you said that, talk about scarring ha ha)


I made an metaphor about thunder last night, how sad. Of all the overdone things to "metaphorize" about, a storm is definitely not the most cliche. It was how the lightening was the executioner, the thunder the maiden (her pitiful sobs crescendo just after the lightening strikes, and in the background the rain pelts harder) the rain was the crows, the jeers, the tears the whole "shabang", I was most likely delirious or drugged, but it was cool because I was noticing all these things that just fit with the story and I started to sympathize with her (the thunder) and then I realized I probably should get inside. It was nice though that's the one thing I like about night inside I'm so scared, I don't even know of what but on my deck it just doesn't matter usually I'm so cold and soaked to the bone to actually function, that's probably why I like sitting out there. That's going next thing, first him, and now you know they're not going to let me stay out there, mumblings of "catching my death" eh well there's a lot I could say about that, but I might say too much.


I'm wondering if censorship is right, even though writing sucks when I get on a roll I get on a roll, I can type as fast as I can think (if you've ever called me slow it wasn't a joke) and there's so much to think. Wasn't this journal where I could find solace? (since there's no giant tree in my backyard and I have no friends ha ha) If I censor what I say (I don't mean blocking out swears, I mean keeping secrets) am I not just hurting myself? I need some kind of outlet right, and this was supposed to be it. I think I'll just make it private, I mean it's not really like anyone reads this anyways just to help my paranoia out.


Geez Louise I'm having such a hard time finding words again, I really need to take up that vocabulary habit again, I mean I've got the vocabulary of a 5 year old right now (who says humongo bugungo anyways ha ha )


That was oddly cleansing and long...I really need to be shot.

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