Wednesday, May 26, 2004


That was so funny. Yeah just fucking hilarious, it's some like deranged practical joke. I've talked to him since the gun incident right? I couldn't even remember I almost expect him to be there when I get home, and I don't remember every time we've talked. But yeah I must have talked to him since then, yesterday though he completely blew me off. So not only was I dragged to a surprise party at some schnazzy restaurant, looking like crap because no one told me that there was going to be a party! That doesn't matter though I sat there the whole time, Evan, that darling, completely blew me off! I don't know why I mean Tara wasn't there, and I talked to her like a couple days ago and explained (well a little) about the gun thing and she was totally okay with it, so it wasn't her, we've talked since then!! He didn't really mention it, he didn't seem to care, and I admired that and respected that but what am I supposed to think when he won't even give me the time of day?

So now I feel more so alone than ever as cliché and emo as that sounds that was the only way I could describe last night. I felt so alone, it seemed I was the only one who thought we should have all been sad...this was her day, I mean I put a lot of significance to birthdays and...it felt wrong that instead I was attending a surprise party for my parents broken marriage....

Speaking of, yeah their marriage is dead and gone, I don't know why they just don't get divorced, she's been hospitalized for a suicide attempt once already and now this. So what happened was:

They had a really good day yesterday they stayed up late watching movies and soaking up the positive attitude I kept Sahith out of the way we both went to bed at around 12 (that's when we got back from the restaurant) and he slept pretty soundly (I think, I was out like a light I was dead tired) but today oh my geez. Yeah all morning they were radiating joy but then he made fun of her cooking he asked why it was burnt and she started going on about okra or something that was frozen whatever in the middle he said something along the lines of

"okay okay you don't need to say anymore my god!"

And that's it. They fought, she lost, we sat. She sulked off. And that's where we should've done something. Nope. She tried to OD this time (better than last time I guess) she said she took only two. I gave a lecture and a pep talk to my dad the poor guys this whole year had been filled with loss and disappointment for him, no wonder he works 24/7.

whatever they're at the hospital now sahiths being a doll and Im glad

Im also glad that I've got Joe, he's such a doll, and I love him so

Id say more and more but the house is a mess I better clean if I want my wrist attached when she gets back

Saturday, May 22, 2004


I feel like I never have any time anymore!! Its all his fault I have such mixed feelings about him, I don't think I'm really romantically interested I just I don't know, sometimes I want to talk and sometimes I make up bullshit excuses (are there any other kind!?) Right now I don't really worry about it, I mean I'll find out soon enough and even if I never find out...whatever.

This whole not caring thing sucks so bad. I mean come on, you know there is nothing more I want, there is nothing else I ever think about and I can't just all of sudden say I don't care. Ugh I wish school was like twenty hours long, just so I wouldn't have to sit here and think about this, you know I never really think about it in school, I'm usually pretty busy, (slacking off is an art) my mouth is like never closed its only when I get home and pick up a pen that I start thinking. Holy Moly it would totally kick to be a robot...

This is so repetitive, every single day its the same thing, this is obsession in the bad way, and the way where like you don't even know about it. I mean okay okay I get the picture here's every single day in a nutshell

Wow I hate him
Talk on the phone some
Oh my fucking god I hate him
Online some
I hope he dies
Homework/Education related stuff
I hate hate hate hate him
I looove him, ::thinking of all the good days:: wooow I loove him

Ugh my geez, I mean that was a bit exaggerated, I didn't know there was that much TV in my life...well its in like small doses like I've not watched a whole TV show since about last year. I just wander around writing or reading mostly. meh, let me say this again, I need to be shot. How pathetic is this?

Thursday, May 20, 2004


It is so hard not to care. I mean I try and I try but wow what a hard habit to break! So again, I don't care, I don't care, I don't care? Should I type it four times and see if it makes a difference?

I hate when things are over before they begin. I mean what the crap, I didn't even have a chance to decide whether or not I wanted to before she decided it was time to "get things under control" but whatever memories of him don't really appeal to me, I mean I know it would've not worked out or been what I wanted it to be (god damn it! It's like a fucking...curse! (pardon the lack of language) I hate him so much) Anyways there's only so many times I can say that and every single time you know its not going to be true.

I just noticed last time that in her office she has like a chart that's supposed to determine like how suicidal you are. It's based on how many times you think about killing yourself. Like if you think about it once every month or so you're not so bad but still need help and stuff, I just thought it was so funny. I mean of all the people that think about it every single hour, of every single day how many people are actually going to do it? As I was writing the essay yesterday I thought, every single person that does cut themselves, every single person who's attempted suicide or done it, in a way I kind of admire them. I think it takes a lot of courage to want to die, I've never really known how it must of felt but its so...fascinating! Heh, this is probably what an unhealthy obsession is...I'm not obsessed (much) it's just all so interesting I mean what can possibly be so bad that makes you want to not live? My whole life I've had it pretty good, nothing bad has ever happened to me I cry for the most superficial reasons and really not that often, I just want to know what it's like to want to die, I mean how can it be so bad?

I think I should stop doing this, its not helping or anything, and it's nothing at all. I think I should stop writing altogether everything is just disgusting me, how come I never knew it was this bad? I had to edit Cliché last night and minimize Kelcey and god in heaven do they suck it was all I could do to keep from setting flame to my Inspirion...oh and the essays, I hope I die or something they are so god awful I'll have to do them over I doubt they'll get better. Jordan told me to take a break and see but I don't know even all my old stuff it's awful. It's so frustrating I mean come on can't I be good at something, I love to sing so much but hearing my voice (I'm not even like exaggerating here to be modest) it's like nails against a chalkboard except infinitely worse, oh my geez (Yeah I still remember what you said that, talk about scarring ha ha)

I made an metaphor about thunder last night, how sad. Of all the overdone things to "metaphorize" about, a storm is definitely not the most cliche. It was how the lightening was the executioner, the thunder the maiden (her pitiful sobs crescendo just after the lightening strikes, and in the background the rain pelts harder) the rain was the crows, the jeers, the tears the whole "shabang", I was most likely delirious or drugged, but it was cool because I was noticing all these things that just fit with the story and I started to sympathize with her (the thunder) and then I realized I probably should get inside. It was nice though that's the one thing I like about night inside I'm so scared, I don't even know of what but on my deck it just doesn't matter usually I'm so cold and soaked to the bone to actually function, that's probably why I like sitting out there. That's going next thing, first him, and now you know they're not going to let me stay out there, mumblings of "catching my death" eh well there's a lot I could say about that, but I might say too much.

I'm wondering if censorship is right, even though writing sucks when I get on a roll I get on a roll, I can type as fast as I can think (if you've ever called me slow it wasn't a joke) and there's so much to think. Wasn't this journal where I could find solace? (since there's no giant tree in my backyard and I have no friends ha ha) If I censor what I say (I don't mean blocking out swears, I mean keeping secrets) am I not just hurting myself? I need some kind of outlet right, and this was supposed to be it. I think I'll just make it private, I mean it's not really like anyone reads this anyways just to help my paranoia out.

Geez Louise I'm having such a hard time finding words again, I really need to take up that vocabulary habit again, I mean I've got the vocabulary of a 5 year old right now (who says humongo bugungo anyways ha ha )

That was oddly cleansing and long...I really need to be shot.

Wednesday, May 19, 2004


My blessed they're going to kill me. So what do I have left, when do those results come out? Next December? Yeah that's probably enough time. I was thinking last night, I mean my little slogan there, those words I live off, yeah they're not going to work.

DEAD TIRED has new meaning

i hate him so much

Tuesday, May 18, 2004


Oh my geez. She can barely walk but somehow, just somehow she can still find the strength to...oh my geez right now I hate her so much. My moods are so awful, its crazy. Steph got me a dress (well two, but its so, I really don't think it'll be...) Anyways maybe I'll tell him, if I tell just one teensy little person will it really matter (some of these sound so cryptic my stars! Its really not that big of a secret)

Its so weird its Monday, and 5:30 I should be getting ready for dance, I can't wait for summer dance to start, its awesome how I'm actually getting into it even though I suck.

I give up. That's it. It's over. He fucking wins, I mean I don't even want to hope anymore, I never ever want to see him again but that's not possible... (well running away is hard...) I just, I mean I didn't think it was actually going to happen but the ship hadn't sunk yet! And I guess nothing has actually happened, but its been so long. So here's the last thing I'll ever say about it (yeah right, okay I'll try)


Sunday, May 16, 2004


Oh my geez I havent had any time at all to do anything I get home well past six so I haven't been able to update this also.

You know what's cool? I'm talking to a lot of people I lost contact with like Jon and Joanna (Oh my geez shes 18 now!)

So much more to say but I have recital now

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