Saturday, June 12, 2004

Look its white! I don't think it's like ever been white...Because I'm racist! Not really but I told Matt I was. You know what? I am so happy happy happy! You know why? Because he is perfect perfect perfect. *hums* yeah this will be great. Just maybe this can make these coming four years worth it. God damn these mood swings, you know within like the fours minutes that took me to write that I feel insecure again. It's so not worth it. This living by the moment crap. If I didn't look back or think about it, it would work just fine, but I usually don't let things go by like that. I dwell on every moment, every word until all I've done is make myself feel worse and that's just magic let me tell you. You know what I'll make a wish list to make me feel better. I wish...
-...the dream I had last night would come true.
That was like the only dream and the sweetest one I had in such a long long time. I didn't even wake up to my alarm (I have a new mark to prove that) It was so sweet. Something happened like before I was at a cutesy wutesy train station or something and Mike like asked me to go somewhere so I said okay. And I remember we walked out and I was like ooh I love Harvard Square! It was "Harvard Square" I guess but it was like a demented version, it was just different. There weren't any street performers for one and it was like far from Abercrombie. Anyways I remember I was wearing a cute little black top with low cut jeans and then I was looking at his watch or something and he took my hand and said something sweet like "Finally you get the picture". So we came to this fork in the road and I said "East or West" and he was being so cute he had his hand draped around my waist and was just being sweet sweet. He said "West, Kylie's having a party in that little house of the corner" and for some reason I totally knew what he was talking about and I was like oh okay if you want to go. So the whole way down there he was just doing everything I wanted him to and being perfect now the strange part. I felt totally secure. The thing is, I don't know Mike. I mean I know who he is, and we've talked like once, but that's it, and...what is this? I'm not even romantically attracted to him, sure he's cute, but that's about it. Anyways there was this little house I don't remember what it looked like, I just remember the door had this list on it of all these dancers and he said something like "Yeah it's a dance studio in the day time she just knows the person who owns it" and he laughed and I laughed too, I got it in the dream but now I don't really. So we went inside and we were being so loud and cute and Kylie was going through with salutations and was just being happy. Then this girl stood up and she was like "That's it you guys are being way too loud! If you want to talk you can leave or you can just go into one of the rooms!" I remember strongly wanting to be out in the night air with him again, but him pulling me into on of the rooms, and he started talking to me and telling me all this stuff, I remember his mouth moving, but I don't remember what he said. And then my mom got me up. I liked it not because it was Mike but because of all the emotions I had. It was that feeling of being secure, which I haven't felt in such a long time, the feeling of knowing someone wants me, it made me so happy even if it was just a dream. It was a dream I didn't doubt it even while it was happening but I kept pretending hoping that I wouldn't wake up.
-...you would just talk to me
Could it really kill you to tell me what's going on? It keeps me up at all hours, it keeps me from doing the work to keep me going. If you'll excuse my cliché, you're driving me crazy. I could take the truth, I just want to know, do you feel the same way I do? Could you ever? Or is it over now. I'm so confused, and so sad. I wish I knew what you were thinking, what am I to you? But I guess all I can do now is wait because obviously you aren't ready to talk about it
-...I knew how to feel about friday
There's that scared, nervous, indifferent feeling again. I mean one side of me is excited. Maybe it will be like before. Maybe we will have the time of our lives. Maybe it will work out and I will have fun while looking dazzling. But if I may I'd like to borrow a line from Scribbler of Dreams "It won't be like before ever again" and that's true. I can't go chasing a before, I have so many after's to make. I am kind of scared though. I really do not want to be disappointed, I want just something to go close enough to right to make me smile. You know what I just thought off (here's my good mood again I'm talking to Todd) No matter what happens that night, nothing really can happen so bad that I'll lose everything. As long as I've still got someone to talk to, and of course I will, I've always got you haven't I?
-...that I could learn to appreciate myself.
I mean a lot of people seem to be convinced that I'm not that bad of a person most people can get a long with, everyone except me.
That's another war my little shoulder angels fight. Those poor things, while I actually don't see them there is such a war raging inside of me. Sometimes I want to go, and sometimes I want to stay I can't decide at all. The part of me that wants to stay is the little part of me that still has hope, and by jove, I wish I didn't. So ahrd I want to try to be me my own person, I want that so bad but how can I if I don't come to terms with myself? Sometime, and someday soon I'm going to have to face it and deal with it, all my compartments will come undone, the laces all untied but that's sometime isn't really now, and so I don't want to worry about it

-...that I could stop worrying about being cliche

I worry about that non stop 24/7 in all that I do, and frankly it's driving me quite insane (er) so today, screw it all, I don't want to care about whether or not I am original enough, I'm me and that should be enough. The keyword there though, is most definitely should. Sometimes it's good to be original like when you're making something new, like writing a new story, but it's not good to have to worry about that all the time right? I mean like when I am doing this I'm just trying to get my thoughts out on paper (or screen in this case haha) but I'm not trying to set precedents or write some award winning novel, when I started writing these it was so I could look back and remember so that I wouldn't forget the good times when life gets bad, so that I'll pay attention and not make the same mistakes again, but now its become a lot more and I don't want that. So here it is, from here on out, this is for me. Not to improve my damned writing skills (hell it suck beyond all reason anyways there's no helping it now), not to show off or showcase my works, it's to help me think and clear my head. And wowza this wish list thing really does work

anyways I'm in school and not taking my social studies civil war test (what in your face? test exempt? yeah I thought so) and so I'm only relying on the little angelcities editor and doing it all the pure html, oh I'm so proud. I've got a lot to do today actually come to think of it. I'm just glad my mothers in a good mood. She said I could skip field day and I really didn't think she was going to. So no getting hit with softballs, or watching people run this year! Mwa hahaha end of th grade is rocking pretty hard. "I need you like water in my lungs"

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